ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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