oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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