Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
