I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
