i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
