I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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