Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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