he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
