I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize