Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
