You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
