If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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