i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
