im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
