I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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