I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
