The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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