I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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