It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Even my vagina gasped.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
