remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
