I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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