I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
