you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
