i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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