Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
