I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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