how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize
