uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
