we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
