you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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