you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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