a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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