so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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