thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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