apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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