Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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