On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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