sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
