Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
