Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
