I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
