I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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