if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
