Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
