He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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