I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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