ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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