If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize