I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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