So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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