WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
