Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
