I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
