i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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