Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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