I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
