i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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