in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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