Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
