i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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