Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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