so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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