He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
