I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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